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We all know how intelligent we are. Now it's time for you to know how intelligent we are. We're like Dr. Laura and Montel's love child that mated with the Samurai TV Repairman. Send us your questions, and we'll update this if your questions are worthy. Note: We reprint questions exactly as sent, and do not correct even the most obvious of typos. This means that if you mean to spell one word and you actually spell another, we're going to take it like the other word. Spell check, people. Also, if you do not see your question below, that means you're set for the next round. Check back often. who wrote the very first song??? - Cheeze We don't know, but Barry Manilow writes the songs the whole world sings, so it was probably him. how do we know we're living???how do we know its not a dream...hehe jk - Cheeze Cheeze, we often have this problem. The way we solve it is by pinching our arm or inflicting some other type of pain on our bodies. Then we come to realize that we are in fact NOT real. Why? Because Jamie and Jana (TM) are just too damn good to be true. do you think i'm pretty? - Ashley Ashley, many a wise musician has asked the same thing. Namely, Rod Stewart ("Da Ya Think I'm Sexy"). Jamie thinks that true beauty lies within...the pocketbook. Because with the right amount of plastic surgery, anyone can be pretty. There is hope. what's the meaning of life? - Suz We're not exactly sure, but we think it has something to do with Twinkies. They live forever. There has to be a reason that God put something that caloric on the Earth. Jana how old are you and what is you major? - Mike Jana is 36 years old, and her major is Public Access TV with a minor in How to Access It. Actually, she's a borderline 20 year old who is taking suggestions for majors at the moment. Please input. She's also taking application for boyfriends. Applicants must apply in person and be sane and have good hygiene habits. Jamie what is your major? - Mike Jamie is currently majoring in 16 different studies. The study with the most emphasis is the Influence of The Anna Nicole Smith Show on Every Day College Life. Amen. Do you think that Dr. Seuss was a gret literary marvel of our time? - Mike Mike, we don't know what "gret" means, but we know that it rhymes with Brett, regret, and kitchenette. That's not as good as "Sam I am I don't eat green eggs and ham." But it's close, Mike. With a few years of practice and a thesaurus you too could become a gret literary marvel. What caused the Big Bang to happen and what happens if you go beyond the boundry of the big band? - Neil Well, Neil, your question seems to be twofold. In our opinion, the Big Bang was caused by one angry thrust on a gong in China. We think that's what that sound was, anyway. To answer the second part, to go beyond the boundary of the Big Band, one has to acquire twice as many brass instruments and at least three more vocalists. This will make you a Gigantic Band. To avoid becoming an orchestra, avoid using woodwinds in your Big Band. what is the correct name for that ring that appears around the sun once and a while? i used to know what it was but then i forgot what the name was. (yes this is a serious question) - Christa Well, since there's a ring around the sun, we know there's no ring around the rosies, pocket full of posies. But, if for some reason the sun does explode one day, it will be ashes, ashes, we all fall down. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about? - Roxann Being that the Hokey Pokey is traditionally performed at wedding receptions, the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about. Why? We take it as a primitive code language for what the bride and groom are supposed to do on their honeymoon. In effect, it is an anthropological trigger to propel the existence of the human race. If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle? - Roxann Roxann, we're assuming 10 minutes. That is if the monkey is wearing a boot. If the monkey is not wearing a boot, you must take his weight, divide it by his height in inches, multiply it by his age to the 5th power, and put that all over the square root of 957. If you had to live in Nowhere, KS or Nowhere, WV for 5 years, which would you choose and why? - Rachel Jamie: I'd choose Nowhere, WV. Because West Virginia has to be somewhere close to Virginia, and in Virginia, they have a Busch Gardens. Plus, when I got there, it would be just like that Train song, "Meet Virginia." Or at least "Meet West Virginia." Jana: I would choose Nowhere, KS. Simply put, the fact is that in the classic movie "The Wizard of Oz" Dorothy states, "We're not in Kansas, anymore, Toto." That intrinsically means that Kansas is in fact, somewhere. Or else Dorothy would never have been there. Why do I wake up angry every time I wake up? - Steph We believe this has something to do with lack of medication. Why are those little things called corn nuts when they seem to be neither corn nor nuts? - Laura For the same reason eggplant is called eggplant even though it's neither egg nor plant. If you called Corn Nuts what they really were, "Loud Crunchy Breath Stinker Thingies," nobody would buy them. If no living object (past, present, and future) could hear, would we have discovered sound? Vibrations, yes, but sound?? - Emilee Emilee, you have won the award for most intelligent and mind boggling question of the decade. Let's go celebrate and we'll get back to you on that. You're buying. So, zodiac signs...... You figure out what sign you are based on the day you were born, right? But what if you were a preemie baby? I was born Oct. 14 but I was supposed to have been born sometime in January? Now what? Am I really a Libra or a wannabe? - Julia Julia, we assume that you should in reality be labeled as a Libracorn. This is a Capricorn and a Libra, not to be confused with a Corn Nut. This means, Julia, that you are twice as dynamic as everybody else, have twice as many characteristics as everyone else, twice as many love interests, and twice as many bad days of the month. Don't worry, Miss Cleo shows us that Libracorns tend to be very successful people. (Once they begin their medication for their twice as many personalities). LETTER OF THE MONTH: dear project j squared, If you could unscrew your head using some newfound technology, and take out any body part (ie-heart, liver, etc) and cook it, what part would it be and what kind of sauce would you use. This question, of course, assumes that you would be able to somehow magically live long enough to cook yourself and then enjoy yourself. One final question.... what do you think you would taste like? Please don't say chicken, as I have all ready tried that and it's definitley NOT true expectantly yours, MO "please don't eat my heart" Dawson Jamie: I think I would take out my stomach, and cook it in a nice lemon pepper sauce. My reason for this being is that once I'd swallow my stomach, there'd be no stomach to catch it. Therefore I would not be able to intake the calories, and pretty soon I'd be an emaciated supermodel with my head screwed off. Jana: I believe my organ of choice would be the skin. This would not require unscrewing anything to take off, and everyone knows that the most flavorful part of anything is the skin as evidenced by chicken, turkey and. . . potatoes. I would baste myself in a beautiful white Alfredo sauce; however, I would add a pinch of tomato flavoring to give it that "just out of the sun" look.